Saturday, June 9, 2018

Things that can be fixed with tape

As much as I like penguins, applesauce, and buying things on sale, I can’t stand tight pants, umbrellas, and replacing entire objects because one part is broken. I’m a grad student. I can’t afford to replace entire objects because one part is broken. I’m also an engineer. Finding alternative functions for things is what passes for fun around here. [See pot as hammer. I’m also currently using a peanut butter jar as a pencil holder and I regularly repurpose my mixing bowls as fruit bowls. I lived without chairs in my apartment for weeks; do I sound like the kind of person who has a decorative fruit bowl lying around?] All of this is to say: I’ve fixed more than one of my belongings with specialty tools tape. You say cheap; I say economical and creative thinking.

Aglets – Those plastic things at the ends of shoelaces are subject to being stepped on and dragged across concrete, which means they often break off and leave your poor, helpless shoelaces prone to fraying. Well, fear no longer. Save your shoelaces by wrapping the ends with . . . tape. Color coordinate if you want; I think lime green and purple go great together.

Watch bands – I’ve worn a watch since kindergarten. I still prefer keeping track of time on my watch rather than my phone. [Insert grumbling about kids these days, technology ruining civilization, get off my lawn, you hooligans.] I recently had to switch watch brands because my watch of choice stopped being produced. It was still available on Amazon, but was sold from existing stock. Because the band was made of resin, my guess is that it became more brittle as it aged, causing it to break more easily. My last watch of that brand lasted less than two years before breaking. While I looked for a suitable replacement (digital, with the date/day of the week and alarm, watch face smaller than the width of my wrist, band not too thin) I taped my old watch band together. This is only a temporary fix, but it works well enough on a time scale of days to weeks.

Blinds – The blinds in my apartment are composed of vertical plastic slats that open and close by twisting a rod. This causes the slats to undergo a fair amount of torque that results in them breaking at the top. I figured it was worth it to try and see if taping a slat back together would work, because it’s quick, easy, and doesn’t need to involve maintenance. So far so good . . .

Instruments – This one wasn’t me (for once). Warm ups before a middle school band concert. One of the baritone or tenor sax players can’t play a single note on his or her instrument. In middle school, you don’t just have spare bari/tenor saxes lying around. The band teacher manually covers some of the suspect holes to figure out which one isn’t sealing properly. When he finds the problem, there’s no time to fix it before the concert. He duct tapes over the hole.

Phone screens – One freezing cold Saturday in Ithaca, I was trying to get into Olin Hall (24/7 card access for 24/7 ChemE-ing). While getting my ID card out of my backpack, I accidentally knocked my phone out. It fell a couple feet and one corner of the screen shattered. To avoid getting splinters of glass in my fingers, I put (clear) tape over the broken part of the screen. No splinters, and the touchscreen still works under the tape.

Bonus uses for tape:

1) Making pep band folders. A Cornell pep band tradition is to use duct tape to make music folders. They last much longer than paper folders and are colorful. Mine is orange and has smiling food on it.

2) Labeling water bottles, thermoses, Tupperware, children, calculators, etc. My favorite scientific calculator has been labelled since my math team days. As for everything else I’ve labelled, if you’ve ever been to any sort of college potluck, you may be familiar with the sorts of emails that get sent after a college potluck.

Person 1: Hey guys! If anyone’s missing a blue serving spoon, I have it!

Person 2: Hey, did someone accidentally take my bowl? It’s green and has a snowman on the side.

Person 3: Hi everyone, I brought a red bag with a yellow container inside it to the potluck. I left with a purple scarf, a stuffed elephant, and a yoyo. . .

Friday, May 18, 2018

#DammitTeal? [April 2018]

If you didn’t realize last month, if you’re not interested in MLS, you’re probably not interested in reading these posts. But if you want to hear about the wonderfully hapless and disastrous ugly stepchildren of the Patriots, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how the Revolution did in April.

Friday night lights, April 6, 2018, vs. Montreal Impact, 4-0 W
I missed watching this game live because I went to see the University of Michigan’s symphony band instead. I wasn’t going to look up the result, but I went on Facebook to see if they at least scored any goals, and Andrew Farrell did, so I gave in and also checked the final score. A few seasons ago, Farrell had a bet that if he scored, he would shave his beard. He didn’t score that season, but after 164 games in MLS, he finally put the ball in the back of the net. If you’re a Montreal fan, this was not a good result (granted, the Revolution were helped out again by a red card), but you cannot deny how happy Farrell looks after he scores.

Fortress Foxboro Falls, April 14, 2018, vs. FC Dallas, 0-1 L
Two words: horrendous finishing. Out of 21 shots, they put 6 on goal. The other 15 were either blocked or skied into the stratosphere. One of the better chances in the first half came from Scott Caldwell, who usually plays a version of defensive midfield and whose main job this year seems to be something along the lines of run a lot and annoy the other team into making mistakes. His shot raised the question of what his goal song is, and I kind of want this Twitter thread to be true.

#SaveTheCrew, April 21, 2018, at Columbus Crew, 2-2 T
MLS and its fans, in keeping with the times, are on most of the social medias, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. The Crew’s owner is determined to move his team to Austin, TX, against the will of the Columbus (and New England) fans, prompting the #SaveTheCrew hashtag to keep the team in Ohio. As for the game, it was entertaining, minus the Andrew Farrell own goal that put New England down a goal early. But the Revolution responded well both times they trailed by a goal, and the second goal was a piece of work that wasn’t even nominated for goal of the week, because MLS hates the Revolution, or something.

April 28, 2018, vs. Sporting Kansas City, 1-0 W
Teal Bunbury takes a lot of heat for doing things like sending shots five yards away from the goal into Row 847 of tier 17 in Gillette, but he scored his fourth goal in five games to earn three points for the Revolution (hence the post title). I’m in the camp that says if he’s scoring, play him, so I’m willing to keep supporting Freidel’s choice to start him. It’s been a weird start to the season, with their four wins* coming from a last minute deflected free kick, two first half red cards, and an offsides no call confirmed by VAR. In a turn of fortune, VAR determined that a ball kicked to the seemingly offside Bunbury was played by a Sporting KC player, so Bunbury wasn’t actually offside. In real time, he looks almost apologetic for putting the ball into the net, but he does, and there’s no whistle, so the goal stands. We’ll take it. But it was bizarre. Maybe something about those weird vibes at Gillette.

The other big news from the Revolution camp is that Lee Nguyen was traded to LAFC for GarberBucksTM (money) an hour before the trade deadline passed. I don’t agree with the Revolution insisting they were not going to trade him and refusing to entertain trade offers after he’d been asking to be traded for possibly up to a year. I also don’t agree with Nguyen sitting out of the first two weeks of training camp to force the Revolution to trade him or raise his salary, the year after he renegotiated a contract with them. But strictly from a business standpoint, the Revolution managed to 1) send Nguyen to the western conference, 2) get almost as much money as was rumored weeks ago for a guy who hasn’t played a minute of the season so far, 3) keep winning without him, and 4) keep him off the field for any other team for maximum time. And from a player standpoint, Nguyen scored 51 goals, had 49 assists, and for most of the past five years, played for the Revolution like he wanted to be on the field with them. His Instagram video says it all.

Record for April: 2W-1L-1D
Overall record: 4W-2L-2D

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Tradition

Following tradition, I have special guest posters for this special day. Yes, the penguins are back.

Aragorn: It’s been awhile, little hobbits. Let’s keep the puns to a minimum, not get too
        excited, and-
Pippin: IT’S MOTHER’S DAY.
Merry: Pip, did you not just hear what Aragorn said about not getting too excited?
Pippin: I don’t care. I have the name of the day right, the right day, and pictures.
Merry: Pictures? I hope you don’t mean those troll selfies we took last month.
Pippin: Of course not. I only sent those to fifty-seven of my closest friends and relatives.


Merry: . . . Of course you did.
Gimli: Ha! Better those than the ones he took while he was smoking. Again.
Merry: Did he send those to you?
Legolas: I’m afraid he sent those to everybody.


Aragorn: I think we should wrap this up. Pippin, do you want to close this year’s post?
Pippin: Happy Mother’s Day!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

The Pros and Cons of Computational Research

Pro: No dress code.
Shorts, open-toed shoes, socks and sandals, bare feet, long hair, hats, necklaces, watches, contacts, and banana costumes are all acceptable attire.

Con: No windows.
Because people can’t look into the lab and catch a glimpse of you professionally attired in a lab coat and safety glasses gazing thoughtfully into a test tube of blue liquid or intensely pipetting, you will most likely be placed in a basement office next to either the loading dock or a storage closet filled entirely with broken swivel chairs. [Our basement office actually has windows, but we’re below ground level and the ground around us was dug out so it feels like we’re at the bottom of a moat.]

Pro: Not fighting over spectrometers and beakers.
Some days, everyone just needs to run a reaction in a 100 mL round bottom flask and purify their compound using column chromatography. In computational research, everyone has their own computer.

Con: Fighting over computer cores on the lab allocation.
Everyone might have their own computer, but if you want to graduate before the next century, many of your simulations will be run on an external cluster. The cluster tends to be faster and you can have dozens of simulations running at the same time, unless that guy decides to run four 48-core jobs for two weeks on your lab’s 200-core allocation. Don’t be that guy.

Pro: Cluster maintenance.
A few times a year, depending on the computing department’s schedule, you get to go in to meetings with your advisor and say that you couldn’t get any results because the cluster is down for maintenance. Never mind that you’ve been warned three months in advance and could have planned data analysis, literature searches, writing manuscripts, preparing presentation slides, applying for grants, sending in conference applications, or any other of the dozens of things you never get around to doing to be completed during this time.

Con: No broken equipment.
If a vital component of the NMR machine suddenly breaks and the manufacturer insists that they’re working as quickly as they can, but the new part won’t be able to be installed for four months, well, guess you’re not doing NMR for the next four months. What a pity.

Pro: You can do your research anywhere, at any time.
Can’t be bothered to change out of your pajamas or get out of bed? Work from your bed. Forgot to submit some jobs to the cluster before you left work? Do it from home. Need to rearrange your schedule for doctor’s appointments, meetings, classes, or midday trips to the bar? Fine. Your source code doesn’t care if it’s 8 am or 8 pm.

Con: You can do your research anywhere, at any time.
Out of the country? Use a VPN to connect to the cluster. Broken leg? Doesn’t matter. You’re sitting all the time anyway. Broken arm? No big deal; your typing might be slowed down a bit but you can still use a mouse. Your only hope is a prolonged power outage.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

#MLSisBack [March 2018]

Unlike most of the rest of the world, soccer in America takes place from March to October. In theory, March sounds like an okay time to start a soccer season. In reality, it’s still freezing in places like New England, Minnesota, Columbus, and Chicago. But MLS decreed that the season would start in March, so it started in March. The Revolution began their season under a new head coach after a reasonably successful preseason, which included winning the Mobile Mini Sun Cup (formerly the Desert Diamond Cup, a superior name, albeit one without sponsorship opportunities). Revolution supporters on Twitter were hoping for a tiny cup on wheels; the trophy delivered on the tiny, but lacked any mobility of its own. Following that victory, the Revolution returned to the cold, snow-covered wasteland known as Massachusetts to begin regular season MLS play.

Season opener, March 3, 2018, at Philadelphia Union, 2-0 L
Before the game even started, the drama began when the Revolution’s flight to Philadelphia got cancelled because of weather. Instead of arriving the day before, they arrived the day of the game on one of Robert Kraft’s Patriots planes, cuing the chorus of woe at an owner who doesn’t care enough about his soccer team to spend money on players/staff/facilities/a stadium. Once the game started, the drama continued with a straight red card, a second yellow, and half an hour of nine-man soccer, all to the Revolution’s detriment. The Revolution have had their share of questionable calls away from Gillette, but this one wasn’t on the ref. This one was on the phenomenally stupid decision making by the two center backs to physically pull down their opponents. Among the things you learn in kindergarten: keep your hands to yourself. Put this game in the dumpster fire pile.

Home opener, March 10, 2018, vs. Colorado Rapids, 2-1 W
The question this week was if the back line would hold up since both starting center backs would be serving red card suspensions. It wasn’t pretty at times, but they got the job done. Former third-string keeper Matt Turner made several strong saves, including a penalty; homegrown player Diego Fagundez scored the Revolution’s first goal of the 2018 season; and Chris Tierney, long-time left-footed free kick specialist, saved them from a tie with a 92nd minute free kick goal. Yes, they might have looked like they were celebrating making the playoffs or MLS cup, but this team needs every point they can scrape up.

Bye week, March 17, 2018
During the MLS Superdraft, the Revolution selected Western Michigan’s Brandon Bye. During their very early bye week, they took the opportunity to post daily pictures on social media of Bye with the hashtag #ByeWeek. While other MLS teams work on building stadiums and signing world-class players, the Revolution are busy making terrible puns.

March 24, 2018, vs. NYCFC, 2-2 T
Back at Gillette Stadium, the Revolution looked to see how they would fare against the unbeaten NYCFC. They went up by a goal in the first half while playing some of the best soccer I’ve seen/heard from them in a while, then struggled in the second half to continue controlling the game, eventually conceding the equalizer twice. The result was disappointing, but I don’t feel they ever truly broke down to give NYCFC obvious scoring opportunities. Plus, they didn’t implode after either of NYCFC’s goals, which was an improvement over giving up three-goal leads. See this. Or this.

On the road again, March 31, 2018, at Houston Dynamo, 0-2 W
They might have been helped out by an early red card to the Dynamo, and they honestly looked like they played most of the game 11 v. 11, but they left Houston with three points. The high press looked good on the opening goal and on the red card, then the Revolution were unable to use their man advantage to create anything until Cristian Penilla scored his first MLS goal. But they left Houston with three points, earning their first road win of the season from their second away game, instead of during stoppage time of their last game of the season.

All told, Revolution fans are generally happy enough to have started the season 2-1-1, which actually isn’t that much better than last year’s 1-2-1, but with a new coach, some new players, and no new stadium, it’s an encouraging beginning.