#DammitTeal? [April 2018]

If you didn’t realize last month, if you’re not interested in MLS, you’re probably not interested in reading these posts. But if you want to hear about the wonderfully hapless and disastrous ugly stepchildren of the Patriots, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how the Revolution did in April.

Friday night lights, April 6, 2018, vs. Montreal Impact, 4-0 W
I missed watching this game live because I went to see the University of Michigan’s symphony band instead. I wasn’t going to look up the result, but I went on Facebook to see if they at least scored any goals, and Andrew Farrell did, so I gave in and also checked the final score. A few seasons ago, Farrell had a bet that if he scored, he would shave his beard. He didn’t score that season, but after 164 games in MLS, he finally put the ball in the back of the net. If you’re a Montreal fan, this was not a good result (granted, the Revolution were helped out again by a red card), but you cannot deny how happy Farrell looks after he scores.

Fortress Foxboro Falls, April 14, 2018, vs. FC Dallas, 0-1 L
Two words: horrendous finishing. Out of 21 shots, they put 6 on goal. The other 15 were either blocked or skied into the stratosphere. One of the better chances in the first half came from Scott Caldwell, who usually plays a version of defensive midfield and whose main job this year seems to be something along the lines of run a lot and annoy the other team into making mistakes. His shot raised the question of what his goal song is, and I kind of want this Twitter thread to be true.

#SaveTheCrew, April 21, 2018, at Columbus Crew, 2-2 T
MLS and its fans, in keeping with the times, are on most of the social medias, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. The Crew’s owner is determined to move his team to Austin, TX, against the will of the Columbus (and New England) fans, prompting the #SaveTheCrew hashtag to keep the team in Ohio. As for the game, it was entertaining, minus the Andrew Farrell own goal that put New England down a goal early. But the Revolution responded well both times they trailed by a goal, and the second goal was a piece of work that wasn’t even nominated for goal of the week, because MLS hates the Revolution, or something.

April 28, 2018, vs. Sporting Kansas City, 1-0 W
Teal Bunbury takes a lot of heat for doing things like sending shots five yards away from the goal into Row 847 of tier 17 in Gillette, but he scored his fourth goal in five games to earn three points for the Revolution (hence the post title). I’m in the camp that says if he’s scoring, play him, so I’m willing to keep supporting Freidel’s choice to start him. It’s been a weird start to the season, with their four wins* coming from a last minute deflected free kick, two first half red cards, and an offsides no call confirmed by VAR. In a turn of fortune, VAR determined that a ball kicked to the seemingly offside Bunbury was played by a Sporting KC player, so Bunbury wasn’t actually offside. In real time, he looks almost apologetic for putting the ball into the net, but he does, and there’s no whistle, so the goal stands. We’ll take it. But it was bizarre. Maybe something about those weird vibes at Gillette.

The other big news from the Revolution camp is that Lee Nguyen was traded to LAFC for GarberBucksTM (money) an hour before the trade deadline passed. I don’t agree with the Revolution insisting they were not going to trade him and refusing to entertain trade offers after he’d been asking to be traded for possibly up to a year. I also don’t agree with Nguyen sitting out of the first two weeks of training camp to force the Revolution to trade him or raise his salary, the year after he renegotiated a contract with them. But strictly from a business standpoint, the Revolution managed to 1) send Nguyen to the western conference, 2) get almost as much money as was rumored weeks ago for a guy who hasn’t played a minute of the season so far, 3) keep winning without him, and 4) keep him off the field for any other team for maximum time. And from a player standpoint, Nguyen scored 51 goals, had 49 assists, and for most of the past five years, played for the Revolution like he wanted to be on the field with them. His Instagram video says it all.

Record for April: 2W-1L-1D
Overall record: 4W-2L-2D

Tradition

Following tradition, I have special guest posters for this special day. Yes, the penguins are back.

Aragorn: It’s been awhile, little hobbits. Let’s keep the puns to a minimum, not get too

        excited, and-
Pippin: IT’S MOTHER’S DAY.
Merry: Pip, did you not just hear what Aragorn said about not getting too excited?
Pippin: I don’t care. I have the name of the day right, the right day, and pictures.
Merry: Pictures? I hope you don’t mean those troll selfies we took last month.
Pippin: Of course not. I only sent those to fifty-seven of my closest friends and relatives.

Merry: . . . Of course you did.
Gimli: Ha! Better those than the ones he took while he was smoking. Again.
Merry: Did he send those to you?
Legolas: I’m afraid he sent those to everybody.

Aragorn: I think we should wrap this up. Pippin, do you want to close this year’s post?
Pippin: Happy Mother’s Day!